The Point System: I've always thought of my life in terms of a point system. It's kind of like Monopoly but without the money. In Monopoly you start out with a certain amount of money and you earn more as you go and you lose money along the way. You also get money every time you pass go.
It's the same with the point system. I figure that I started my life with 100,000 points and every time I do something good I add points and when I do something wrong I lose points. When I pass another birthday each year I automatically get to collect 20,000 points. So when I take something off an airplane with me (that's not really mine) I lose about 3,000 points but by mailing it back I earned 2,000 points. When I yell at other drivers and call them names I again lose a big amount of my points but if I let someone go in front of me in line at a store I earn points. I lose points for complaining, listening to rap music, watching Grey's Anatomy, laughing when Tanner is being so so naughty and frustrating his momma, getting new tattoos (just kidding about that one).......well anyway the list goes on and on. My points have been dwindling lately, even dipping slightly in the negative but that has all changed now.
I think I am finally back on track with my points. I am out of the negative and it just took 20 minutes to turn everything around. What I did was so unbelievable I'm sure I earned at least 50,000 points. It's no big secret that I really really really really dislike dogs. Sorry Stanley, Sarge and Cosmo......you are the exceptions, sort of kind of.
So here's how it happened and how I earned so many points. Several weeks ago I went to someones house I had never been to before. After knocking, the door opened and the first thing I noticed was a little dog yapping very loud.
I felt good about this because I was sure that it meant the dog did not like me and would stay away from me. The more the dog yapped the better I felt. I sat down and immediately the little dog jumped right into my lap. It was a moment of pure horror for me. Now if the dog would have jumped right back down I probably could have handled it. But NO the dog decided to make himself very comfortable and just laid there. And because of the way I feel about dogs it was just torture.
The dog's owner said "I hope you like dogs." I just smiled (I didn't lie and say that I did). My hope at this point was that the family would say to their dog "Get back here and don't bother her!" But that didn't happen. In fact they said, "Wow he doesn't usually like people this much. He must be able to sense how you feel about him." So I was thinking it must be a very dumb dog because if he only knew what I was thinking about him at that moment he would have run.
There are mainly three reasons that I have such a hard time with dogs. 1. You have to pet them when they get close to you (or the owner thinks you are mean) and the more you pet them the more they want you to keep petting them......which brings me to reason 2. If you ignore dogs and don't pet them they start to sniff you. And sniffing can be awkward. And 3. Usually when they are done sniffing you the licking starts. So if you pay attention to the dog and pet it then there is a chance it will leave you alone but there's also a chance it will sniff and lick because the dog thinks you like it. (And sniffing and licking are just gross) It's such a dilemma!
So I decided to pretend I liked this little dog and I started petting him. The dog was obviously not going to leave and had gotten very comfortable in my lap. My goal, of course, was to not get sniffed or licked. I thought by petting him (no matter how difficult it was) I could be in control of the situation. This went on for a good five minutes and I was feeling pretty confident that I had outsmarted this dog. So just when I started to relax a little and think I could handle things.........IT HAPPENED. The dog started licking my pants! This dog totally skipped step 2 so I had no warning about what was going to happen. I was really very happy that he had not sniffed me.......but why did he feel the need to lick my pants? They were clean and smelled like good laundry soap and fabric softener. I tried several times to "gently" move his head but he was determined to keep licking me.
This went on for what seemed like hours, even though it was probably only 20 minutes. So in less than a half an hour a dog sat in my lap, I touched him and he licked me.
And that is how I earned 50,000 points. (No comments from PITA please.....I already know I have a defect when it comes to liking dogs)
And for anyone who is still thinking that I had something to do with Giddion's disappearance.............you will have to decide if you believe me or not.