It's official. I'm tired of having dumb kidneys. Really isn't 3 years and 8 months of crazy infections enough? Now on top of that I have uncooperative, failing kidneys. Sometimes it just makes me so mad, frustrated, irritated, angry and sad. And mostly TIRED. It's a tiredness that is so bad I can't even describe it with words. Part of my frustration comes from not having any control over this situation. I am doing everything my doctor tells me to do. I am taking every medicine I am supposed to be taking. I don't even drink caffeine or take Ibuprofen anymore because they can hurt the kidneys. If anyone understands kidney numbers my GFR is at 14 (stage 5 kidney disease/failure). Definitely not good. My doctor is still hopeful the numbers will improve a little at least for awhile. The results of my kidney biopsy have shown I will definitely need dialysis or a transplant but it wasn't supposed to happen this fast. I have had some friends tell me that there must be something I still need to learn from this. I'm not buying that. I have learned patience. I have learned to be more compassionate. I have learned to truly appreciate things I never used to. I have learned that doctors know more than me (well sometimes). I have learned that I can't do everything by myself. I have learned to ask for help (okay that may be a lie). But the point is I have learned a lot. If this is sounding like I'm complaining it's because I am. I just want to feel good and that is not happening. I don't like having limitations on what I am able to do. So I have come to the conclusion that there are some things that we can't change no matter how hard we try and no matter how much we want the outcome to be different. And there are things that we just aren't able to understand in this life.
So as frustrating as my failing kidneys are I am, at the same time, amazed at the generosity and unselfish offers I have received. My kids, my siblings, some relatives and my good friends are all more than willing to give me a kidney. It has touched my heart. They have not even hesitated for a second. My sister is so in tune with what's going on with me that it is unreal at times. She wants to be tested now to make sure we are a match. Thanks Lisa. I love you. My friend Annette tells me all the time she wants me to have one of her kidneys. My kids are just really so awesome and would give me anything I need without question.
So yes I have dumb kidneys but I have the best family and friends. Thanks.