It's official. I'm tired of having dumb kidneys. Really isn't 3 years and 8 months of crazy infections enough? Now on top of that I have uncooperative, failing kidneys. Sometimes it just makes me so mad, frustrated, irritated, angry and sad. And mostly TIRED. It's a tiredness that is so bad I can't even describe it with words. Part of my frustration comes from not having any control over this situation. I am doing everything my doctor tells me to do. I am taking every medicine I am supposed to be taking. I don't even drink caffeine or take Ibuprofen anymore because they can hurt the kidneys. If anyone understands kidney numbers my GFR is at 14 (stage 5 kidney disease/failure). Definitely not good. My doctor is still hopeful the numbers will improve a little at least for awhile. The results of my kidney biopsy have shown I will definitely need dialysis or a transplant but it wasn't supposed to happen this fast. I have had some friends tell me that there must be something I still need to learn from this. I'm not buying that. I have learned patience. I have learned to be more compassionate. I have learned to truly appreciate things I never used to. I have learned that doctors know more than me (well sometimes). I have learned that I can't do everything by myself. I have learned to ask for help (okay that may be a lie). But the point is I have learned a lot. If this is sounding like I'm complaining it's because I am. I just want to feel good and that is not happening. I don't like having limitations on what I am able to do. So I have come to the conclusion that there are some things that we can't change no matter how hard we try and no matter how much we want the outcome to be different. And there are things that we just aren't able to understand in this life.
So as frustrating as my failing kidneys are I am, at the same time, amazed at the generosity and unselfish offers I have received. My kids, my siblings, some relatives and my good friends are all more than willing to give me a kidney. It has touched my heart. They have not even hesitated for a second. My sister is so in tune with what's going on with me that it is unreal at times. She wants to be tested now to make sure we are a match. Thanks Lisa. I love you. My friend Annette tells me all the time she wants me to have one of her kidneys. My kids are just really so awesome and would give me anything I need without question.
So yes I have dumb kidneys but I have the best family and friends. Thanks.
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I'm with you on the just not being able to understand some things in life.
ReplyDeleteIx-nay on the whole "still need to learn something" business. I hate when people say that to me! Could any words show less empathy/understanding? I'm sure they're well intentioned...
I mean really, what do we learn from the suffering of innocents--children starving to death for example? Inhumanity,illness,and suffering are a horrible nasty part of living in this world. But rather than it being an opportunity for those children or their families "to learn something", I think it's a test for the rest of us, to see what we're willing to do to stop their suffering.
Your friends and family have more than passed the test, offering you a part of themselves to make you well.
I'm sorry you have dumb kidneys and that they're failing. Dialysis will give you energy, I'm serious.
Hang in there.
MOM! I'm back online and I'm all caught up on your blog now. Your kidneys do suck, but your family is AMAZING! (Just think of your oldest daughter, truly a gem). I love you and miss you badly! I'm praying for a miracle for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your kidneys Mom. I wish there was some magical way to make you well again. And you know that if I could give you one of my kidneys, I would in heartbeat.
ReplyDeleteYou do have a great family. We are all very blessed to be apart of it. And remember that Cierra would not have a diagnosis of Epilepsy if you hadn't ever gotten sick, so maybe that plays into somewhere as well. Not only are other people learning from you, but your struggles have lead to a major life change for Cierra. She was having seizures for years and nobody knew it. She is finally on the path to being seizure-free and it is because of you. If you hadn't met Chloe, who knows how long it would have taken us to figure it out.
I love you and miss you terribly. Happy Birthday tomorrow!!!